A Word from Rainer

Rainer Joehnk

As some of you may know I was sent to this country in 1986 by the German Soccer Federation to teach soccer to the local native population.
So for the last thirteen years I have tried my hardest to teach some of you the intricacies of playing football or as you call it- soccer. Some of you, for example, think that there is a shotclock in soccer, there isn’t, you also don’t get points for kicking the ball over the crossbar, there is no such thing as a little bit offside, backpasses are legal, and the net doesn’t have to ripple for goals to count. To illustrate just how off we can be on the soccer pitch. I believe we are the only team in history of recorded soccer where the goalie and the center forward get the most yellow cards on the team. What the hell????
So given all theses shortcomings in our mental game I obviously predicted that we were gonna get our asses kicked this season And boy did I loot-, right. To say we had a rough start into the season would be an understatement. I remember well, I think it was in our first game against Afriscope when we were about to loose our third in a row and Juan and Chris got into their little catfight and Juan was about to quit the team cause th ere was just no hope. And I walked over to Juan, and I held your head in my hand and wiped the tears of your cheeks and I told you then everything was gonna be allright. Wasn’t I right?
And then came our most shinning moment in the game against PARS. We played like we were possessed, although Andre seemed to have been possessed by something else when he nailed that poor left fullback. And I must say we played the best game of Soccer I have ever been associated with since I played with Palo Alto Soccer. And as all great athletes are superstitious, and I am no exception, I vowed right then and there not to change my underwear until we loose. I have kept that promise.
And after that game there was no stopping us. And when Vasco scored his goal and Johan put the season winner in off the post I knew it was meant to be. The only regrets I have is that after D”etaples and Lusitanos dropped out and I watched Vasco’s lucky shot sail in I wished we had started an investment group. We could have made a fortune in porkbelly futures this year. We could be buying our own team now and wouldn’t have to do any more running.
So in conclusion I would like to toast some of the keystones to our success:
I want to toast Mas. Our climb to the top of the PSL started when Mas took over this team and drastically accelerated when he left the country
I want to thank Bill for some of his brilliant sideline tactics Some of you may know that Bill actually invented the modem form of soccer when he grew up in Scotland in the late 1800s. At the time sheepgonads were used as balls, hence the term ball, and they were passed with hands like in Rugby. It was Bill, as he himself told me, who suggested that if they kicked those damn things they wouldn’t have to touch them all the time and that’s how the game of soccer was invented.
I want to thank Dave our MVP. Brilliant season man As some of you may know Dave will be leaving us this season and not give an encore performance. As he told me he did exceptionally well last year with his metamphetamine business and saved up enough money to buy an old school bus and travel with the Jimmy Buffet tour. To each his own Davey and buy the way guys let the water run in the sink when you go to the bathroom.
I want to thank Mark for being older than me.
I want to thank Andrew for always being late to the games just to make sure to pick up anybody whose car might have stalled on the freeway.
I want to thank Iver for bringing his parents wherever he goes and some great parties. Although if I hear that stupid Rita song one more time I am going to strangle you.
I want to thank Vasco for blasting Jimmy Buffet when he pulled into the parking lot against Afriscope. I heard them all laughing and getting all relaxed and saying we’re gonna beat those stupid honkies.
I want to thank Greg for putting me in touch again with my feminine side.
and I want to thank Juan for making sure there’s always a pitcher waiting when we come into Oasis after practice.
In conclusion I would like to announce that Mallar and I have decided to try the new Ophrah Winfrey eat anything you want and lose fifty pounds diet this summer. Even though we already are pound for pound the fastest players on the team we’re gonna try to add a little endurance to our repertoire and be like Seedorf and Zidane for Juventus in the middle.
So thanks for the memories.

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